May 27, 2004 - 4:38 pm

It's raining like crazy (a thunderstorm, woohoo!) and the sun is shining. That's so cool. My permanent purple hair dye arrived yesterday. I gotta wash the too dark manic panic out before I can dye it tho.

May 27, 2004 - 2:10 am

Went out with Josh again today. Went to a 12:15 show of Van Helsing. We were rather early, got there at like 11:45 (all my fault, cos I wanted extra time so we wouldn't be late. Turned out well tho.) I had told Josh when he said he wanted to slow things down physically, but that he was ok with him teasing me, just not me teasing him, that if I couldn't tease neither could he, cos when he teases I want to do the same. But then I was horny Tuesday, and told him I was rethinking it. When we met this morn, he hadn't answered my question as to what we were going to do, so I was planning to go with hugging/little kisses/cuddling. We got our tickets, and were sitting in an empty theater with roughly half an hour til the movie was going to start. I was cuddled up to Josh, he was hanging onto my arm cos he said he was feeling clingy, and pretty much out of the blue he says 'I feel like playing.' Which, hey, I'm not gonna argue with. I asked 'So does that mean I can play too?' and Josh replied 'yeah, but just not as much as last time.' He started playing with my breasts, caressing them and pinching my nipples, which drove me just as crazy as before. There was a brief interlude when some other people came into the theater and we had to stop making out until the lights went down. I was snuggled up to him, enjoying being felt up, and occasionally playing with his cock through his pants, when he undid his fly. I slid my hand in, and started tracing the head of his cock through his boxers. Wasn't much longer before he reached down and moved my hand inside his boxers. At one point, I forget exactly when, I asked if I should stop, and he said no. And after my hands were in his boxers, I asked him if he wanted me to make him cum, and he said yeah. (btw, all dialog is approximate, meanings rather than precise quotes *grin*) So I did. Didn't really have room/range of motion to jerk him off, so I just massaged the head of his cock, closing my fingers around it so the very tip was pressed into the palm of my hand and then sliding my fingers off, closing them as I did so. When he was squirming nicely, I started running my thumbnail along the ridge of the head, and then I just started playing with the big vein that runs the length of the underside of the cock, pressing the pad of my thumb into it where it meets the head, and rubbing. That seemed to work quite nicely, cos he came shortly thereafter. I was a lil pouty, cos once he came he stopped playing with me, so I whispered 'It's not nice to get a girl all worked up and then stop just cos you cum.' He whispered back 'I'm feeling a little out of it, and I just wanna hang onto you for a while', and glommed onto my arm. So, I figured, ok, back to cuddling, that works. So we snuggled for a while, and he was still feeling pretty clingy apparently, cos he was hanging onto my arm again kind of a lot, which was pretty sweet really. About an hour or so later (2.5 hour movie, and he'd cum fairly early on) Josh started playing with my breasts again, and got pretty intense about it, to the point where I REALLY wanted to just open up his pants, pull his cock out, sit in his lap and fuck him. But certainly couldn't do that, and, wasn't going to let go enough to see just how worked up he could get me, cos, public, and just NO, so I sort of basked at that 'worked up but will be able to focus on other things as soon as stimulation is removed' level for a while, til the movie was getting close to the end and Josh said 'I'll stop now so u can watch the end of the movie.' He'd seen it before, so had a good idea of when it would be good to be paying attention. *smile* Movie was pretty good, quite possibly better than it would have been if I had seen it with someone else or alone, and actually been solely paying attention to the movie. Afterward, we went to borders for a lil while, and then got lunch. Well, Josh got food, I got a smoothie. We left the mall, and Josh decided to abandon me so as to avoid crossing a major road (Rockville Pike) twice and so he could go home and play NWN, cos a nongaming friend of his is apparently doing better than he is and picking on him about it. I picked on him a lil bit for abandoning me to go game, but wasn't really pressed about it. It was fun tho, seeing him again. (I already admitted I like him, ages ago, so you can stop dancing around and picking on me *wink*) I chatted with Josh for a few minutes tonight, and said I'd love to see him again, Friday if he was still free. But apparently his friends are clamoring for him to come RP, so Friday is probably out. I mentioned tho, that I've got my house to myself from Thursday evening until Sunday evening if he'd like to even things up a bit (things being he's gotten off 3-4 times and I've just gotten worked up, tho I didn't think I needed to spell that out for him), which got me called Evil, so I'd imagine he'll find some time to hang out. I want to hang out with him and not end up doing damn near everything this side of fucking (not that I MIND or dislike playing, but I like him for him, not those wicked fingers of his. Fingers are just a bonus *wink*), but, how often do I get my house to myself for days instead of hours?! I gotta take advantage of that!

May 25, 2004 - 1:57 am

So, Josh update. We discussed things. He wants some time to deal, and to slow things down physically somewhat. Which I'm not exactly happy about, but, the only other option is to end things with him, and I REALLY don't want to do that. And then he said he was sort of avoiding me, which bugged me, and I lied and told him it was fine, and then walked into Georgetown and spent like an hour on the phone with Danielle, and felt somewhat better, and called Josh and told him I had lied about being fine, and that he was a big stupid-head. But since he's a big stupid-head I like, I'll give him time, tho, I'm not gonna be happy or quiet about it. And I'm not. But we're going out Wednesday, and we had the following convo tonight.
Hel Witch (12:16:04 AM): ok, so, what do u think u will be ok with Wednesday? just hug/lil kiss/cuddle? light making out but I don't play with your cock? making out like Friday but ur pants stay closed and on?
Hel Witch (12:16:26 AM): u don't have to answer now
Hel Witch (12:16:39 AM): just, u know, that's the options as I see them
Josh (12:22:39 AM): I'll give you a heads up on Wednesday. :-)
Josh (12:22:41 AM): G'night.
So, we'll see, and he said the goal is to be able to do whatever without panicking, and when I asked if my asking was bugging him, he said no. So it's all good(ish).
So I told Mike in no uncertain terms I just wanted to be friends. And suddenly my username on his msg board is inactive. Real mature. Goddess am I sorry I ever fucked him. Bad decision. Big surprise I'm sure, me making a bad decision. :( But it seems he's more than happy to write me out of his life, so I'll return the favor. I'm just somewhat stressed over telling Josh. I mean, I had asked him if it'd bug him if I was to date someone, and he said 'be my guest', but, I still dunno how he'll react, and, ATM, I don't want to find out. Josh said the other day something along the lines of 'I can always read your diary to find out what u thought of how I was Friday' and I ended up asking him to not read my diary for the time being. Which I didn't like to do, but, I don't see any other option really. I don't want to lock the entries, and couldn't if I wanted to, cos I use the Dland weblog, and if u lock one entry, it also locks all the other entries on the page. But I don't want to lock them anyway, cos that would be hiding, and I'm not gonna hide what I did, cos I didn't do anything wrong. I just don't think it'd be, diplomatic to mention fucking Mike at this point in time.

May 23, 2004 - 1:38 am

I don't know why I thought I might actually be able to be happy. I keep doing this, keep letting myself forget I'll never be happy. And I'll never be the right person for anyone else either. I'm not right for Josh, because how physical/sexual I am apparently scares him, even if he won't admit it to me. You don't have panic attacks if you aren't scared for some reason. I'm not right for Mike, because he got emotionally attached much too quickly, and couldn't understand why I didn't return his feelings, and why I can't feel the same way about him that I feel about Josh, when I've known Josh 5 times as long (10 weeks as opposed to 2). Mike just doesn't get why I can't consider him more than a friend, doesn't get that 2 weeks isn't long enough for me to actually care about someone, even if how I feel about Josh weren't an issue (which it is). Plus Mike's got issues (not that I don't, or Josh doesn't), big honking issues. He falls in 'love' within days of meeting a girl, and then gets despondent when she doesn't return his feelings. It seems like he just wants to be with someone for the sake of being with someone, rather than wanting to be with a particular person for their sake. I want someone who likes me for my sake. I dunno tho, compatible sexually and with a lot of the same interests is probably the best I can do. So what if what he feels for me is based on not wanting to be alone, instead of being based on actually knowing me? Not like I'm ever going to be perfectly happy, ever going to find someone who really knows me and cares about me for all of who I am. Every time the little lies I tell myself to get through the day slip a bit, it gets harder to pull them back into place, harder to convince myself I deserve to be truly happy, that I'll ever find Real Love, that I'm a good and decent person, that everything that goes wrong in my life and the lives of everyone around me isn't my fault. I want to believe all that, I really do. But it's just so difficult.

May 23, 2004 - 12:06 am

I feel really bad now. Josh is having panic attacks cos of how physical we got, in such a short period of time after first meeting IRL instead of online. So I feel really really badly. I'm feeling very 'shrink down inside myself and be just be quiet and don't bother anyone'.

May 22, 2004 - 2:36 am

I just got home from meeting/first date with Josh. We went to the vampire film fest at the goethe institute, and ended up making out pretty much from the moment the lights dimmed on the first movie. He's the only guy I've ever kissed who kissed me the way I like to be kissed without my having to explain it to them. And he was a LOT of fun to tease. I nearly made him cum in his pants at least once, and possibly twice. And he brags on his control. *grin* And, really amazing, him playing with my nipples was actually doing something for me.
After the 3 movies ended, we were both taking the subway the same direction, my stop was first, and I wanted a goodbye kiss, so I asked him if he'd get off at my stop with me and give me a goodbye kiss, and I told him I'd wait with him for the next train. While waiting with him, we were kissing, and I was running my fingernails along the ridge of his cock, which was getting him very horny. And he said something about wishing I could go further with the teasing, and so I said he could come home with me. We didn't actually end up back at my house, we ended up at the playground up the street. Oh, and I'm choosing to believe that because he's high autistic, when he's being an idiot, he really is being an idiot, and not being distant. So yeah, I had fun tonight. And, prior to going out with Josh, I'd had a fairly icky day, which I no longer care about, cos of spending time with Josh. Man, I really do like him. Goddess that's a scary thing.

May 20, 2004 - 5:04 am

So this random 'net guy I used to know a million (or maybe 2) years ago IMs me. Last I heard from him, he got married. Guess what happened now? He got divorced. I was a nice girl tho. I refrained from saying 'And I care because?'
I like Josh. hehehehe. I like Josh a lot. And Josh likes me. Or possibly is just horny. But he says he likes me, so I'm choosing to believe that.

May 19, 2004 - 11:37 pm

So, once Josh's projects and stuff were done, and he'd had a day to relax, he went back to how he'd been acting before. So, it was just me being paranoid and stupid.

May 17, 2004 - 7:37 am

I just got home. *grin* Was out all night. Had fun. Lots of fun. Kinky fun. Yay for kink. Didn't get off tho. *pout* But, willing to give him another chance. And hey, big plus over the last guy I fucked, when he pulled out, he took the condom with him! I'm a lil concerned tho. I ovulated yesterday. But I'm choosing to not worry, cos condom was used. May call Planned Parenthood and see about getting Depo shots tho.
Edit-Just realized, and it amused me greatly, I shaved my legs specifically cos I had plans to go out, and suspected I might want smooth legs, and then never took off my thigh high hose.

May 13, 2004 - 5:36 am

Had some fun the other day. Met a guy, Mike, on okcupid. Started chatting with him sunday evening, talked til midmorning (like 8 am) Monday, and then again Monday night into Tuesday morning, until at about 3 am Tuesday I asked if he wanted to join me for my late night walk, which he did. We met up at the cathedral at about 4 am (he somehow managed to drive past the cathedral. Someone explain to me how one could miss seeing the huge ass church that is visible from over a mile away?). We sat on one of the benches outside for a bit, talking and cuddling a little. After about an hour, there was thunder and lightning, and as he had a brand new deck of Tarot on him, he didn't want them getting wet, so we went and sat in the car. And so, of course, it didn't rain after all. *grin* I did suggest he just put the cards in the car, and we could go back outside, but I guess he didn't want to play in the rain. *wink* We ended up making out in the car, very low key tho, cos, fairly public and I'm SOOO not into exhibitionist behavior. So, no clothes came off, but fun with clothes on occurred. Mike's CRAZY about anal tho, so me being evil me, I made a deal with him. If I fuck him (alright, probably when, but if makes me sound much less slutty *wink*), IF he gets me off (and that's the BIG if in the sentence, given my history, male confidence in sexual skills notwithstanding), then he can have my ass. But as I told Jacob, A)I'm pessimistic, and don't think he'll manage to get me off, simply because I think the universe hates me & B)If he does get me off, I'll be so damn happy I'll let him do damn near anything he wants, nevermind that C) Finally trying anal with a guy who has a dick that's not literally the size and length of my thumb could be quite interesting. (note-the previous sentence was edited, cos a couple ppl told me it didn't quite say what I meant it to.) Mike seems to be getting really attached to me really fast tho, which, it seems from reading the msg board he runs for himself and his friends, is something that happens fairly often. And it's a bit....hmm...freakout inducing I guess is the best description. He certainly seems cool, and we get along well, and I DEFINITELY don't feel like I need to tone down my sexuality around him, like I do with Josh. But him getting emotionally attached so fast, seems like a warning sign, tho warning of what exactly, I have no idea.
Now, those of you who have been paying attention recently (oh, wait, no one but me ever reads this. HA!) may be asking yourself, whatever happened to Josh. Well, a couple days after showing Josh the pics, he was still acting oddly, so I asked him about it, and he swore it was due to school, which is entirely plausible, as he was acting a bit odd before I showed him the pics, distracted and whatnot. But, he had a million projects to do, and has been really busy lately, so, haven't really had much time to talk to him, so am feeling rather more disconnected from him. And, asked him on Monday, when I happened to catch him before school, if it would bother him if I were to date someone local, and he said (and I quote) 'Be my guest'. Which, could be taken either of a couple ways-1) He doesn't really like me all that much or 'like that', so doesn't give a damn if I date someone else, or 2) He likes me but doesn't want to seem like he's telling me how to live my life. And again, me being the cynic I am, take a wild guess which explanation I'm leaning toward. But he'll be back in the area in about a week, and we'll see what happens then. And if it turns out he does like me, I dunno what the hell I'm going to do if it comes down to a choice between Josh and Mike. I don't like making choices about big things, because I worry too much about making the wrong choice. I came up with this whole pro/con comparison list, which I ended up sharing with Mike, cos he was kinda mildly bugging me, and I wanted him to understand how I'm thinking/feeling. And I think he got it, but he also got his feeling a lil bit hurt cos I called him sorta emotionally needy. But dude! He was getting all attached to a girl he hadn't even know 2 days! I'll be happy to share the list with anyone who asks.
And yeah, me having problems like this is justification to die of shock, but please don't *grin*. Anyway, what other news? Oh, work.
The job at Pizza Palace is going ok, not great tho. Janey (one of the drivers, who has worked there for quite a while) seems to make a point of focusing on my every little mistake, to the point where I want to be really vindictive and make a big todo over every mistake he makes, of which there are enough that I could pick and choose which I liked. And the old manager Harta, the one who the owner's wife fired cos the 14 hours a day 7 days a week he was working weren't enough, has a new job at another pizza place elsewhere, and is offering me a job there, for $1.50 an hour more. Which sounds good, but it seems like Harta sort of bounces from one job to the next. And I don't want to quit this job before I've even been there 2 weeks, only to have the job I'm quitting for fall through because the person who hired me moves on. But then, apparently everyone thinks Pizza Palace is going to end up going out of business, in which case I'd be SOL unless I had taken the new job. And since I got my credit limit raised to $1000 so I could afford to pay my $400 cell bill, so I now owe roughly $900, I NEED to be working. So I dunno what I'm going to do. Probably see if I can work for Harta part time until it's clear where things are going. Damn I'm indecisive lately.

May 10, 2004 - 9:49 pm

I GOT THE CREDIT LIMIT INCREASE!!!!! I'm so psyched. So I paid my $400 cell bill ($320 of which was the new cell), the $50 I owed for the plants and cats things, and bought 3 knives, one of which is for Ricky, and some pepper spray. Here's the knives I bought- Purple, Black, and Wolf handle for Ricky. Plus Pepper Spray, just to have it.

May 07, 2004 - 1:09 am

Hmmm. Can we say karma? Yes, we can!

May 07, 2004 - 12:07 am

My mother just called me. Ricky's in the hospital. One of his vertebrae is disinegrating. He may end up paralyzed.

May 06, 2004 - 11:15 pm

I do know what a self fulfilling prophesy is, thank you very much. But I'm not convinced that things happen the way they do because I expect them to. I think they would happen that way regardless of my expectations. But hey, feel free to prove me wrong.

May 05, 2004 - 4:51 am

I walked 4 miles in 1 hour and 15 minutes. Maybe 1 hour and 10 minutes, because I did stop at the ATM. So, that's pretty good. My goal is 4 miles in 1 hour, and I think I'm definitely getting there. Plus there's the whole thing where I actually don't quite hate myself when I'm walking, which is of the good. Woohoo endorphins! I'm gonna sleep here shortly, and then I've got work tomorrow evening.

May 05, 2004 - 2:05 am

So I found a couple not too recent but not THAT old pics of me that actually showed me below the shoulders, which, against the advice of tVimH (the Voices in my Head), I sent to Josh, figuring if he was going to say 'Sorry, I don't date big chiqs', I'd rather he do so now than in another 3 weeks. And he didn't say that at all, pretty much the opposite in that he said he tends toward plus sized women cos he likes large breasts and the two tend to be associated. But I still feel like I'm waiting to be brushed off. I dunno why. Well, that's not true. I know perfectly well why. Because that's what always happens, and it generally seems to be for physical appearance reasons. (Well, what else am I going to think it is, when someone I have been getting along with just great finds out what I look like and disappears?) And since I actually LIKE Josh, of course that's what's going to happen. Because what other possibility is there?

May 04, 2004 - 4:22 pm

You ever wonder if all of life is one big joke that everyone but you is in on? Or feel like maybe you're the joke?Or if there's some Great Truth (tm) everyone else knows, and you don't? Maybe none of this is real. Maybe it's all a dream, or some big social experiment ie: The Truman Show. Yes, I realize that thinking like this is a classic sign of a paranoid mind. But I already knew I was mildly paranoid, and if you didn't you haven't been paying attention.

May 02, 2004 - 9:51 pm

So, I feel a lil bit bad, cos I think I upset a friend of mine, accidentally tho. I was feeling especially in the mood for a particular kink tonight (granted, a kink I've never actually tried and so only have fantasy about to cause me to be in the mood for), and mentioned that to this friend. And she said she had recently tried this particular activity, and not enjoyed it. And, so, of course I was curious, so, asked about it, but she didn't seem to want to talk about it, and seemed upset. So, now I feel badly for mentioning it, even tho I had no way of knowing it would bother her, and feel kinda worried about her, because of how she reacted. Plus I'm still in the mood to play, tho a bit less than I originally was. Oh, and if u wanna know what the kink in question was, ask me, and I might tell you. *grin*