April 30, 2004 - 8:15 pm

I officially have a *deep dramatic tone* Real Job. Part time at the pizza place I temped at before. And, it's cool, and it is only part time, but still. It's the first job I ever had that wasn't seasonal or temporary, the first job that didn't have a built in expiration date, the first job where to not be working there anymore, I'd have to be fired or quit. It's cool, and at the same time, sort of scary. I'm having one of those moments where you realize just how little it would take to completely remove yourself from the path to your Perfect Possible Future. And that scares me, because I find it far too easy to stray from the path to my PPF as it is. So, I'm just freaking out a lil. Come soothe me?

April 29, 2004 - 9:30 am

Sigh. So I was discussing emotions with someone, and they were totally twisting what I was saying, which annoyed me.
What I was saying, was that this thing with Josh, while it seems very cool now, I have no way of knowing where it's going. And because I don't know where it's going, while I am going to open myself up somewhat, I'm certainly not going to totally open myself up to start with. I mean, whatever this is with Josh looks like it might be something fun, and good, but, serious? I dunno how serious really. And considering all the times I've been totally open, either cos I didn't know better, or was taking a chance, and been destroyed for it, and had to fix myself, I'm understandably careful about totally opening up, since I dunno if I could deal at this point if I was TOTALLY open and got broken for it. So, I'm being cautious, and somewhat open, but still keeping myself safe, until I know what's going to happen, at least to an extent. (Cos, obviously, I'm not psychic, so, can't know EXACTLY what's going to happen, but can get a pretty good idea.)
Anyway, so, that was what I was saying, but the person I was talking to, who is having some personal problems, was twisting it and saying that I was being a hypocrite, because I had told them to fix themselves, but I wasn't putting myself in a situation where I might have to do the same thing. Which is bullshit. Because I've had to fix myself a NUMBER of times in my life, and so have learned to be careful. But if I had to, I'd do it again. I'd just rather avoid the need to, by not letting myself get too far too fast.

April 28, 2004 - 8:52 pm

Josh is so sweet! He insists on asking permission before he looks at this journal. Josh, babe, I wouldn't have my journal online, and have the link to it in my profile, if I had a problem with ppl who know me reading it.

April 26, 2004 - 10:01 am

Why is it that when I tell my friends, 'hey, something's going on that is making me happy and might be good', almost all of them, their first reaction is, 'be careful'? Is that really the first thing they all think of when I say I'm opening myself up a little bit emotionally? And if so, is it a reflection on what they think of me, or just on their attitudes? I wanted them to be happy that I'm having fun.

April 22, 2004 - 7:38 am

So I walked 3 miles tonight, and I sorta had an adventure at about 2:15am. I was crossing the street, and this girl came up, and said she was being followed, and there was a sorta mom looking person in a car. The girl said that the person couldn't do anything, cos there was a restraining order, but did I know where a police station was? And I couldn't think where one was, and then she asked if she could stay with me til the person went away. But I was thinking, 'but I'm going to the ATM', and before I could decide yes or no, she asked if there was anything open. I told her there was a 24 hours grocery store up the street, and so she left, and the car followed her.
And I went to the ATM, which wasn't accepting deposits, but I needed to withdraw too. So I did that. And then I felt bad about not walking the girl to the grocery store, so I went to walk up the way she would have walked. A block up, there were 4 cop cars, with a car pulled over, except I dunno if it was the same car as had been following the girl, and I didn't see the girl. So I went to the grocery store, and she wasn't there, so I bought orange juice and came home.
And now it's 7:45 am, and I can't sleep. I lay down at 6, and got back up at 6:45, which, yes, for me is usually not enough time to have fallen asleep, but I didn't feel like I was even anywhere near falling asleep, and I didn't feel like lying in bed.

April 18, 2004 - 9:37 pm

well, ok, I fucked up. Feeling fairly, 'excuse me while I go shoot myself in the head'. Just thought I'd share that. If anyone cares HOW I fucked up, ask.

April 17, 2004 - 6:29 am

my life has sucked. it's been shit, and the bad has so far outnumbered the good as to make it nearly impossible to define the difference between the two. And most of the bad in my life has been related to my parents not being parents, or at least not parents in the sense of nurturing and caring. And yeah, I've got massive emotional issues because of it, ones I doubt I'll ever really get over/past. I can't think of anyone who I feel ever truly loved me, not based on what I think/feel love is. And, because no one ever has, I can't find it in me to believe anyone ever will, that I deserve love. (and no one needs to bothering yelling at me and saying of course I deserve love, everyone does, if you were going to yell such a thing. I won't believe you anyway. The voices in my head yell this, and I don't listen to THEM. And, they are me. so, what chance have u got of being heard, hmm?)
but, so, yeah. I believe in love, the concept at least, but, for other people. No one loves me, and I don't think anyone ever will, and so I don't love anyone, because loving someone who doesn't love you gets you hurt. And, I like who I am, because the alternative is unacceptable, but, there isn't an instant of my life where I wouldn't give it all up to have grown up differently, grown up feeling loved and cared about and safe.
so, I'm glad you can't understand not having had a loving family. I just hope you do understand how lucky that makes you.

April 15, 2004 - 11:01 pm

Holy fucking goddess. Someone I considered a friend, tho a 'net friend, just told me he used to touch his younger sister, until he was like 13. She's, 4 years younger I think. I just....didn't know what to say, but, he had said some other things about his sister's current behavior (she's now 13) that made it sound like she has some SERIOUS emotional problems. And, knowing what I know about him, he's got some serious problems of his own. I told him he needed to tell his parents, so they can get his sister help, and so he can get help.

April 12, 2004 - 7:01 pm

I hate being female. And that's all I have to say about that.

April 11, 2004 - 10:07 pm

MY MOTHER DRIVES ME INSANE! Argh! I can't even get into it! The dog house, and the railing, and not dealing with shit, and ARGH!!!!!!
So, anyway, changing the subject before my head explodes, Ricky is still in the hospital, and apparently he has, or may have, a brain tumor. There was something on the CAT scan, and so they did an MRI, and haven't given him the results yet. If he does have one, that's likely what caused the seizure.
So, leg still hurts, not as badly tho. Yesterday, my left shoulder started hurting when I reach for things, and today my back started hurting. Wonder what's going to hurt tomorrow?
So, I did the decent human being thing, and went and visited him at the hospital today. But I think I'm going to claim I dislike hospitals, and not go anymore, and let whomever thinks anything, think it's because I don't like seeing him sick or whatever. Really, it's because I just dislike being around him, and wish he would have died 10 years ago, or, since the past can't be changed, would just die NOW.
I had a conversation with a friend today, about Ricky, and she mentioned that she was praying for him, and had lit a candle for him the other day. And I felt compelled to explain to her that if her actions were for my sake, she should cease to pray, or pray he died. I mean, I understand her intentions, and appreciate them, but, I don't want him to get better. I just want him dead and gone. I wouldn't mind if he suffered, but nothing he can suffer will equal or make up for the suffering he has caused me, so, his suffering makes no difference, is worth nothing. I just want him gone.

April 10, 2004 - 12:24 am

Well today just sucked. I was all happy cos I totally rebuilt my parent's computer, from start to finish. Was all set to go to bed at like 5:30, when someone knocks on the door. It's a cop. Ricky's in the hospital, and they couldn't get ahold of us. The woman at the hospital says Ricky was brought in by a coworker. I ended up talking to the woman on the phone, because Ann was being her usual self and refusing to do anything.
So, we have no car, cos Ricky had taken it, so I call Marcus, since he has a car. I explain what has happened, and very simply state what I need him to do, if he's going to help. He spends 10 minutes bothering me about it, saying, 'well, what about this, what about that', things that I ALREADY ADDRESSED!
I just needed him to come drive us to the bus lot where Ricky works, thinking if a coworker brought him in, then the car might be there, and then drive us to the hospital if the car isn't there. Simple enough, right? Basic human decency. The husband of the woman who gave birth to you is in the hospital, you drive the woman who gave birth to you to said hospital if she has no other way to get there. But, apparently, no, this isn't simple, it requires much talk and whining and bitching.
So, he finally agrees to come get us, arrives 40inutes later, when he lives 8 minutes away, and we go to the bus lot to see if the car is there. It's not. The lot is locked up, because it's spring break, so there are no kiddies to drive to and from school. We drive back to the house, and spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to track down who it was that took Ricky to the hospital, thinking they will know where the car is. Rather, I spent a ridiculous amount of time doing the looking, while Marcus and Ann sat around being useless. I dug up a million phone numbers, called a million people, no one knew.
Finally, I've had it, and say so. In the process of searching, Ann told me over and over again that I was wrong about someone's last name, and then when presented with the fact that I was NOT wrong, said she hadn't said I was wrong to begin with. We finally leave for the hospital, at 7:30, after yet more of Ann refusing to think about what needs to be done, and refusing to decide what to do when told her available options.
We get there are about 8, spend a long time trying to find out where exactly we are supposed to be. Get to the proper building and floor, only to have the nurse ask us to wait outside. Which we do, for about 10 minutes, until Ricky's nurse comes out and says we can come in. Once again, Ann refuses to deal with anything and Marcus gets snarky, so I get to talk to the doctor, except Ann keeps interrupting, with irrelevant info. We find out Ricky had a seizure while at his doctor's appointment, was taken to Laurel Hospital, and then flown to Washington Hospital Center, where is is stable, with a breathing tube in this throat and under sedation because of the tube. They plan to extubate him in the morning.
Long story somewhat shorter, we find out the car is at the doc's, we go home to get a map to the doc's. Marcus is snarky, Ann is flighty and indecisive. We get home, get the map, Marcus complains about Ann's behavior, incessantly. As we are leaving the house, because there is no porch light because the entire front half of the house has bad wiring and no one has bothered to have it fixed, I miss a step and fall. Because the railing isn't actually attached to the top or bottom, only at the bottom to a couple steps, not only do I fall, but I go through the railing on my way down. My leg is now quite nicely fucked up. I didn't break the skin, but I either tore the muscle underneath, or I took a chunk out of the bone. I don't know which, it hurts like hell. Right after I fell, there was a distinct indentation in the front of my leg, along the shin bone. The bone isn't actually broken, I don't think, but the side of it may have been carved out a bit. I'm not really sure, and shortly thereafter, it became one big blood clot under the skin, so, there's no more indentation, not that can be felt without causing me a LOT of pain. When I tried to feel it, about 15 minutes after I fell, I got sick to my stomach, and nearly threw up. And I can't go to the hospital, because I have no insurance, and we can't afford medical bills. So, unless I stop being able to walk at all, no hospital.
So, what is my mother's response to this railing that didn't offer any support, and which caused more injury? (because it was the railing which tore up my leg, if it hadn't been there, I'd have just fallen down 6 feet onto the grass, instead of having a metal railing jammed into and ripped across my leg.) She puts it back up, even less secure than it had been previously, because she uses it for balance. And then ignores me when I point out to her the idiocy of that.
None of the rest of the night is worth mentioning, except for the fact that the car was in the doctor's parking lot. The next few days should be interesting, as I can barely walk now, and I have the feeling this is one of those things that's going to be worse in the morning, instead of better. And right now, I really and truly hate my mother. All she has been all damn day is selfish, irresponsible, and stupid. All her normal behavior, magnified to the nth degree.

April 09, 2004 - 2:59 pm

I'm all happy. I installed the cpus on each motherboard, and tested them, and they both worked just fine, so far as I tested them anyway, which was just booting into the bios, going to the hardware monitor, and leaving it running for 20 min. So, I installed the one in parent's computer, and have been using it all day, and it's running a bit warmer than I'd like, between 110 and 115 F, but that's well within safe bounds. And it's so fast! Their old one was 1.4 ghz, and the new one is 2.0 ghz. Plus, the new motherboard supports USB 2, so, also very fast! I'm all geekily happy. And I have the exact same mobo and cpu for my comp!

April 05, 2004 - 12:01 pm

No one is ever really honest, except by accident. Ask someone what they think of you, they won't answer honestly. The only honesty you get is what accidentally slips out.
I'm such an idiot. When will I learn to just shut the hell up? How many times does someone have to tell me, before I learn to just be quiet.