March 31, 2004 - 11:45 am

Hmm, got ahold of UDC, and it turns out it may not be a problem after all. Maybe. Ah, hell, who am I kidding, it'll never work out. But, at the moment, the possibility exists that it might, so I'll take that and be happy for a few moments until reality reasserts itself.

March 31, 2004 - 8:41 am

Well, I'm feeling depressed and shitty. And somewhat pissed off.
So, I called UDC, only to find out they may not accept my high school diploma because it's not from a traditional school, and because my lazy dumb ass left dealing with this to so late, I don't really see me making summer semester. So, I feel like shit for not having dealt with it sooner, and therefore given myself more time.
I think it probably says a LOT about me that everyone who wants to fuck me lives a pretty significant distance away, and has never actually met me. I just don't feel like actually figuring out all the things it says, cos ATM, I'm entirely too close to the 'I'm still breathing because why?' line.
And, oh yeah, I just happened to think about how much money would have been in the bank account my grandmother started for me if my father hadn't stolen it. So, thanks Ricky, for stealing from your 2 year old daughter. Thanks Ann, for letting him. Thanks grandma, for not having the foresight to make it a trust instead of a normal bank account. (Not really annoyed at grandma, after all, how was she to know what kind of person Ricky is? Just, ya know, listing all the ppl who could have prevented it.)

March 12, 2004 - 8:57 pm

Sex is penetration, or mutual orgasms. But if the orgasms aren't mutual, and there's no penetration, it's not sex. Just thought I'd share that. :)

March 12, 2004 - 6:57 am

So, yeah, I've got body image issues, ok? Which means I'm NOT gonna take my clothes off on cam! And yes, even with body image issues, I have had sex. Cos, when it's actually sex, it's not all about the visual. It's more about the tactile, and even the audible. But cam is all about the visual, and I don't like my visual. So you aren't gonna get to SEE my visual, not over cam anyway. And you can sit there and tell me it doesn't matter, but, I've spent the last 22 years of my life with society telling me it does.

March 09, 2004 - 8:14 pm

Georgie Girl died this morning. I went to bed at like 2 am, and she seemed alright, as much as she had been lately, and then I woke up at like 6 and she was lying on the bottom of the cage dead. And I feel like shit. She died in the damn cage. I shoulda let her sleep on my bed. But having her in the cage was the only way to keep the other cats away from her food, so I could give her tuna and yummies and stuff.

March 08, 2004 - 12:24 PM

So, I think I�m going to quit that online group the drama happened in. The guy ended up attacking my in game character twice. Some of the other ppl on the board who play the game were offended that he involved himself in something that was nothing to do with him, and took into the game something that didn�t belong there. So, they went after his character. Nothing to do with me really, cos, I don�t even know any of them. Have spoken to one of them a couple times, just about the guy, and she was nice enough, but I don�t actually know her. And then the other day (Saturday I think) the woman who I had emailed originally that started all this, Phantom, emailed me, asking me to call off the ppl attacking the guy. I replied and said as politely as I could that I hadn�t called them on, so couldn�t call them off, explained what I knew of why they were attacking, and suggested he talk to them.

After phantom had made my original email public last week, I posted and said it didn�t belong on the group. And then the next day, after the guy had posted and said he was going to attack my character, another player posted and said they hoped he was joking. I replied that he wasn�t, since he had at that point attacked my character once, and said something along the lines of �This is what I get for trying to be nice and let phantom know she was upsetting ppl. I get insulted by phantom, insulted by ppl on this board who don�t know what�s going on, and attacked in the game. That�s just great.�

And then one of the other mods, not the group owner who I had talked to before, emailed and said it didn�t belong on the board, and it should have been discussed with the mods or group owner. But the thing was, it HAD been discussed with the group owner, there had been a number of complaints, and the owner had said at least twice that she was just waiting for phantom to slip up one more time, and phantom would be banned from the group. Which, like I said before, I had no argument with that, but, it did seem like no one had told phantom she was upsetting ppl. So I just wanted to let her know that, to tell her that some ppl had concerns, before those concerns got her kicked out of the group!

So, then phantom decides she needs to be an attention whore, goes and posts my email, a couple dozen lil phantom groupies pop up, a couple ppl defend me, and then everyone involved gets modded. (That means you can�t just post to the group, your posts have to be approved.) Which, bugged me some, since I didn�t feel I had posted anything to the group that justified my being modded, and I didn�t think things that weren�t posted to the group by me should have anything to do with my posting status on the group. But the group owner, who at that point I was sorta of friends with, (We�ve since gotten to be friends. Net friends, but still friends.), said that I wasn�t modded because I had done nething wrong; I was just modded out of fairness, everyone involved being modded. Which, alright, fine, I can understand that. So, I�m modded for a week or 10 days, I make a point of posting helpful stuff related to the game that I normally wouldn�t have bothered to post, no mention whatsoever of the whole thing with phantom, even when other ppl bring it up.

But none of that�s why I�m probably going to quit the group. This is.

Today, I get an email from one of the mods, one I don�t know, never chatted with, saying I�m off modded status, but being really snotty, saying I �needed to remember why I was put on modded status to begin with, not phantom�s fault but because I broke the rules of the group� and just generally coming across as sanctimonious. And, WTF? How did I break the rules? And, if I broke the rules, then why the fuck did the owner of the group say I hadn�t done nething wrong? My first inclination was to reply and ask just that, but, I didn�t, and I�m not planning to now. I would presume the mods knew the whole thing, and that this mod had a reason for her attitude, something that I don�t know. So, I�m not gonna turn it into another whole issue, it�s not worth it. (I�m a wimp, and don�t want to know if I had pissed off the group owner. I asked her at the time, and she said no, but if she was just being nice, I don�t really want to know that. In the month or so that I�ve gotten to know her, I�ve gotten to like her, and don�t really want to be told she thinks I�m scum.) But I�m not gonna stay on that group, constantly wondering what�s going on that I don�t know about. Like I said, I�ve gotten to be friends with the owner of the group, and, I�d like to continue being friends with her, but, I don�t think I could if I was always wondering if she was gonna be upfront with me if something happened on the group and I was in any way involved. Cos, that�s the only thing I can think, that when she told me the reason I was modded was just out of fairness and not because I had done something wrong, that for whatever reason, she wasn�t completely honest with me. (See previous statement RE: my status as a wimp.)

So, I don�t think I�m going to stay on the group. But I�m not going to be an attention whore and make the big �I�m leaving� post that�s supposed to make ppl go, �no, don�t leave�, or even run around telling everyone privately, cos, that�s kinda the same thing, just more targeted toward the ppl who might actually say �don�t leave�. And it just really sucks, and I really feel like shit now. This is why I just lurk on damn near every group I�m in, and don�t get involved. Hell, this is why I just lurk through life. Because when you get involved in things, you end up feeling like shit sooner or later. And I know this, but every now and again I forget, and the universe pops right back up and reminds me.

(And posting this entry doesn�t count, cos no one reads my fucking diary. It might as well still be the MS Word file on my computer it started out as, except that having it on diaryland lets me play with how it looks and make it pretty. And gives me another constant reminder that I don�t fucking matter, since everyone who knows me has been given the link to my diary, and it�s in my profile, so it�s not hard to find, but no one ever reads it.)

March 06, 2004 - 3:20 am

So, I got to see Danielle yesterday (well, ok, Thursday). And, it was great, and it sucked. Great, because, she's pretty much the most important person in my world, not counting me. She's been a piece of whatever soul I've got since I was 12. Most of the good in me, stems from her, or from my caring about her. How I act toward other ppl, what I do, and don't do, is mainly based on the thought, 'This is someone's Danielle.' So, yeah, seeing her, when I hadn't seen her in about 2 years, except for a couple hours this summer at the rennfest, which kinda don't count, seeing her was great.
But. Seeing her, I really realized how different we are now, that we live in different worlds now, and aren't the same people we used to be. Or maybe she is, and I'm not, I don't know.
Her life right now, I just, want to yell at her to fix it, or, fix it for her, except I know you can't fix someone else's life for them. She's still with the guy who got her pregnant when she was 16, the guy who convinced her that what he wanted (a baby) was what she wanted, the guy who didn't care what was best for her. And he's still that guy, he just wants what he wants. And, she keeps making these plans to leave him, but, she makes excuses not to even faster. And every time she almost gets to the point of leaving, he realizes it, and gets nice for a little while, and she thinks now things have finally changed, and she stays.
She has asked me a number of times to move up there and get an apartment with her. And I would, except for a number of reasons. My moving up there would be my moving back to a place I hated. A place where I nearly died. If I hadn't been there, maybe I'd have gone through the same things. But, maybe not. Moving up there would require getting a license, and a car, both of which I plan to do, but don't have the money for at the moment. Moving there, would mean getting a job, which would mean no college, not now anyway. Those are the reasons that have to do with me.
The reasons that have to do with her? I think she wants a crutch. All of her most serious plans for leaving her husband, have involved her leaving with someone. A guy, usually. Which means that her leaving has always been dependent on another person. And, I would absolutely be willing to be her crutch, to hold her up. But, only for a little while. A crutch holds you up for a little while, until you can hold yourself up. And I just don't know that she'd ever be willing to to hold herself up. She's strong enough to, even now, but, strength isn't all that matters. You have to try. And I don't know if she'd try.

March 03, 2004 - 1:41 am

anti-social

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