3/21/01 - 10:14 p.m.

Well, my computer related life is going pretty good. I got a new scanner, an optical mouse, Windows 98, a 30 G hard drive, 10x4x32 CDRW, lots of blank CDRs, jewel boxes and CD sleeves, and 48x CDROM for my parent's computer. Well, not I got. My father got. But I use the computer most. And It was mostly stuff gotten cos I had mentioned I wanted it. I wanted the flatbed scanner, I wanted the CDRW drive and discs, I wanted the optical mouse, even tho I didn't know it until I got it, and the hard drive and ROM were cos our hard drive was getting full, and our ROM wasn't reading CDRs. And Windows 98 was cos the scanner is USB, and the winodws 95 USB supplement doesn't work right, so you can't get it anymore. But it's coo, I like 98.

Non-computer life, sucking. I've been sick for the past 2 1/2 weeks, with one thing or another. Only, nothing big, so I can't justify doing nothing. Just sick enough that I can't really get things done, cos I feel too lousy. And then of course I feel lousy for not accomplishing things, so I end up feeling even worse, cos everyone knows if you feel lousy mentally, you aren't going to feel very good physically.

And all those things that made me depressed when I was 13 & 14 & 15, are starting to come up again. Not majorly, but little things. I keep catching myself clenching my jaw, needing to bite something. I need pain, either to feel it or cause it, only I know I can't. And I know it would only help for a little bit anyway.

We were at the supermarket today, Ricky and I. There was a little girl in her parent's cart in line in front of us, acting her age, and she was tired, cos it was kinda late for a little kid, so she was acting up a little, wanting candy from the rack, and punching buttons on the credit card thing. My father says to me, when you were that age, I would have just asked you if you wanted something to cry about. I dunno how much of an actress i am, how good i am at acting things I don't feel, but I must be pretty damn good at covering what I do feel, because if even one twentieth of the pure hatred I felt in that instant had showed on my face, even the eternally moronic Ricky could not have missed it. I felt my face go utterly blank. I think I said something about the little girl obviously being tired. Walking out to the car, I just wanted Ricky to fall on the floor behind me and die. Riding home, his elbow bumped my arm when he was shifting gears, and my stomach turned. For a moment, I thought I was going to puke. I can't think of much of anything I would not give to have him gone.