3/17/01 - 5:09 am

Well, Happy St. Patrick's Day. I'm part Irish, and since I love any excuse to dress up, I like St. Pat's. I already have my outfit all picked out, even down to pants if it is cold, and shorts if it is warm. And of course I am going to have to put green streaks in my hair. I am planning to add food coloring to this moisturizing stuff I use.

Well, that is it on the good cheer bit. Back to my usual personality. LIFE SUX! I say this, because it has finally become obvious, even to me, who refuses to give up on friendships until someone hits me over the head and says let it go, that Sofija no longer wants to be friends. I mean, I don't mind the constant lies, cos hell, I have told a few myself. Granted, mine were obvious BS, (tho I still think Brandie might have actually believed me!) and mine were because I was so disgusted with my actual life, I had to make up a different one, just to let myself play pretend in.

But Sofija had been telling me lousy lies. Crappy lies. Friendship ending lies. She keeps inviting me to her school plays, but always at the last minute, comes up with some reason why I can't come. This last time, she said Honora didn't want me there, which Honora said wasn't true. Now, I will grant, if Honora really did say it, she would have good reason to deny it, but between Sofs and Honora, Sofija is the one with the history of lieing.

And Sofs has been ignoring me online. She forgot that she had given me all her diff AIM sns, and signed on under one she rarely uses. And when I said hey, she said fuck, and blocked me. And I know she blocked me, cos another friend asked if I was talking to her a few minutes later, and when I said she wasn't on, they said she was too, so I switched to a name she didn't know, and lo and behold, there she was. And I checked, she had been on for 45 minutes, so it wasn't like she had just signed on when I switched names.

I don't care if she doesn't want to be friends anymore, tho I wish she did, cos I liked being friends with her. But if she doesn't want to be friends, she should have the (figurative) balls to just say so, instead of telling me bullshit lies, and then avoiding me. At least Jason and Sellon flat out said they didn't want to be friends. At least they did me that courtesy.

Well, that is my rant about that. And maybe I am wrong about the whole thing. Maybe Sofs is just busy with school, and her parents are not letting her online much. But I doubt it. And I still haven't heard anything from the summer camp I applied to work at, the one I have worked at the past 3 years. And I keep telling myself that last year I didn't hear until April, but it doesn't help. Last summer was just too messed up, with all the times Tim (the director, my boss) called me into the office to discuss how I wasn't running my class right. And with the whole thing between me and Jason when Sellon was in the hospital. I still can't beleive Jason went to Tim about that. I was just doing what Sellon had said he would want down if something happened, letting his friends know what had happened, so they wouldn't worry. He had specifically told me that if something happened, he was sure his parents would tell me, even tho they didn't like me, and that I should tell the rest of our mutual friends. Well, his parents told Jason, and somehow Jason decided that meant he got to decide who was told. And that is just bullshit. I'm supposed to not tell the people who I know are worried about Sellon the same as I was? It's not like I told everyone. I only told the people I was sure Sellon would have told. But I think Jason was just looking to get me into trouble then, after that comment he had made when he told me he didn't want to be friends anymore. Saying he didn't like how I was behaving. So he was having the whole coming out angst. So he didn't want to date anyone, or do much of anything besides watch movies. So FUCKING what? I'm not supposed to have any fun? And him saying he didn't think I would be acting like this for long. Like he knows me better then I know myself. I dunno, maybe it was for the best. I've never been one to have a big crowd of friends. I prefer a few close friends, to masses of people who sort of know me.

Let's see, who do I consider a friend? Well, Katie Beahm, obviously. Since 6th grade, even if she did forget to give me her new number when she moved from her grandparent's in FL. She'll turn back up. We always go for ages without talking, and then when we catch up, it's like no time at all has passed. (BTW, if anyone knows a Katie Beahm, or maybe Frame, parents Robin and Mike, bday 121381, tell her to call Helen, cos I miss her.)

Then there is Danielle, who I consider more of a sister then a friend. Those are my two best friends. There is also Kate, and Julia, and I guess Brian is a friend. He's certainly something. Rob, on the other hand, I wouldn't really call a friend. If we were actually friends, I would end up ditching him in a heartbeat, cos of his personality. Feverent religion is fine, as long as you don't get any of it on me.

Huh. That is kinda depressing. All I can come up with are 5 people, one of whom I haven't spoken to in nearly a year, and three of whom I almost exclusively communicate with online. How sad. Then again, if it weren't for the internet, all I would really have is Danielle. Which is even more depressing. (no offense sis, u know what I mean) I have got to get some friends, even if they are just shallow people I barely know. O, hey, thought of one other person I talk to online, but know IRL too. Sarah, a kid from the camp I work at. How sad is that, of all the people I can think of, 2 are under the age of 14. Ok, I think that is enough of this. Good morning all, and Happy St. Pat's.