11/25/99 - 2:11 am

So Chris just said he doesn�t want to actually do anything, which didn�t really surprise me. It�s because he doesn�t want to take a chance that things will change, but I�m going to ask him why anyway. I�m really pissed off now, but just at the universe, and myself, because the reason he changed his mind is the same reason I did, because he had too much time to think about it. I changed my mind back, because I�m a horny teenager, and I just need to find out if he might change his mind too. I�m just so extremely pissed off at myself for not doing anything before he left for school, because while I know that might have stopped our friendship dead in it�s tracks, and I wouldn�t trade what we have now for the world, I think I would trade it for one good fuck.

I think I already knew that Chris just can�t, because he�s too nice of a guy, damn him. I would rather die than have him do stuff with me because he feels sorry for me, but at the same time, I really don�t want to go even one more week of my life without having done something. But it can�t be with just any random someone. I used to think it could, but it can�t, and I know that, and have known it for quite some time. I thought I had found the perfect solution, until I realized that Chris would, but he won�t. I was just hoping that he wouldn�t realize it until after I had done what I wanted to do.