10/12/99 - 3:09 am

Am I going to be the same person in seven or ten years that I am now? Or am I going to be as different from the person I am now as I am now from the person I was seven years ago. Am I going to look back and say �Oh, yeah, I was an adult at seventeen�, or am I going to say �I thought I was so grown up, but really I was just a kid playing at the real world.� Have I really figured out what I want from this life, or are these just teenage plans, that will fade into oblivion as I learn how the world really works? The things that I think I have figured out, that you can get through almost anything with a general knowledge of it, a willingness to ask when you need help, and a really good poker face? Do I really have them figured out, or am I going to crash and burn at something someday, because that isn�t how things actually work?

Right now, I want good friends, people I can trust with my deepest darkest, that I can truly be myself to, that I know. Katie and I have that, for all that we go months at a time without even talking. Danielle and I had that, and I think if she ever manages to reconcile who she was, is, and wants to be, we�ll have it again. I don�t know about Sofija and Chris, but if nothing (Read Chris and me fucking) messes it up, I think we might have it. But do I even have it with myself? Are there deep darks that I haven�t told myself yet?

I want good friends, good sex, money, and freedom. Freedom is the most complicated. I�m not even sure exactly what I want to be free from, or free to do, so figuring out how to get it is rather difficult. At this moment in time, and ever since I can remember, I don�t want children. Don�t get me wrong, I love kids, but I have enough trouble being responsible for myself, let alone someone else. Also, when you have kids, there is the whole pain thing, then the fact that you spend the rest of your life thinking of another human being first, or you are supposed to anyway. I don�t think I have that in me. I know, I know, all women supposedly have that in them, but I just don�t think I do. I think I would have a kid, and then go quietly (Okay, maybe not so quietly) insane. It�s 3:30, I have to work tomorrow, and I�ll finish this later.