10/10/99 - 9:24 pm

Ok, we both know that unless Chris decides he doesn�t want to, I�m going to fuck him when he comes back from school for Thanksgiving break, but for the purposes of this entry, let�s pretend we don�t. Actually, let�s pretend we don�t know another time. For the moment, we know. So, my problem now is what�s going to happen after.

If I get pregnant, I will get an abortion. That is large parts of the reason I took this job at the Cosmetic Center, so that I would have $300 in the bank. Other than my current phone bill, this is TOP priority. Even the new Nine Inch Nails CD is second to having an �Oops!� fund. Thanks to Danielle, I know that I can live with having an abortion. It would hurt a little bit for the rest of my life, but it would be so much worse in so many ways if I had a kid. There�s that bit in the Twin Peaks book, Laura Palmer�s diary, where she gets the abortion, and she tells her unborn child to come back when there is a loving, prepared family for the child to be born into. The first time I read that, I just kind of went, Yeah.

I�m not really worried about diseases, because he said he�s never even really kissed another girl, and when we started discussing the two of us doing stuff, he told me he was still a virgin. So I�m not worried about diseases. What I�m really worried about is what it is going to do to our friendship. We weren�t friends for that long before we developed this whole subtext, but since the night after Sofija and I went over to his house, no, actually, since he went up to school, and we started the whole Saturday thing, he�s been acting differently. I think it�s because of the whole Saturday thing. It might be because he�s at school, and is busy, but I don�t think so.

After he and I fuck, I know it�s going to end up badly. It will be fun for a while, but eventually we aren�t going to be just friends fucking anymore. I don�t know which one of us is going to change it, and I don�t know exactly how it�s going to change, but I do know it�s going to change one of two ways. Either we aren�t going to be friends anymore, we�ll just be fucking, or we�ll end up in a serious relationship. Neither of those possibilities is good. If we end up just fucking, I won�t be happy, because a good part of the reason I want to fuck him is because he�s such a good friend. If we end up in a serious relationship, it�ll be great, for a while. But I don�t want a serious relationship, not now, and I could fall in love with him all too easily. I�ve watched too many friends ruin their lives, for love.

It could work, if we were really in love, and our plans for the future were similar, but I don�t think they are, and I really just know that it wouldn�t work out. So we�d end up breaking up, and the friendship would be over anyway. I need to figure out a way to, pardon the double entendre, have my cake and eat it too. I�m sure that there is some way I can play it so it will work, but I just have to figure it how. That is what I need to spend the next 5 weeks and 6 days figuring out. How to get an end result that I can live with.