10/10/99 - 1:14 am

See, the thing is that I do things because they feel good, or are fun. This was definitely fun, to begin with anyway. I mean, what�s not fun about a friend really liking something you wrote? And having proof that the person really does like it. Likes it so much he ended up masturbating thinking about me. While I was listening. That was extremely fun. And if he could have come over then, and we could have fucked then, things would be fine now. Or at least I�d be dealing with the ramifications, as they came up, rather then having two months to think of them, and think of all the problems before anything ever happens. While I can still change my mind. If I could just keep the same relationship we have now, or at least a similar one, I could live with that. But now, Sofija knows, and since she�s in love with him, or pretty close anyway, it�s awkward. Now you and I both know that if she actually had a chance with Chris, she wouldn�t like him anywhere near as much. She likes him this much because he�s safe, but she won�t see that. She could, but she won�t. So she�s obsessed with him, and I�m fucked.

And even if I can live with how she�ll be when she finds out, and she will, probably from me. Even if I don�t have to choose between her as a friend, and him as a � I can�t think of what to call it. Every word I can come up with implies feelings that just aren�t there. Lover, Boyfriend, these words just don�t apply. But even if I don�t have to choose between her as a friend, and fucking him, I think I am going to have to choose between him as a friend and fucking him. Granted, I didn�t know him for that long before this whole thing got started, but in the month that we were friends before I asked what I asked, I really felt like he was going to become one of my really good friends. I could, and still can, see the three of us ten years down the road, adults, with families, jobs, lives. But if I fuck him, what�s going to happen to all that? I�m reasonably sure that if I don�t fuck him, things won�t get any worse. But they certainly won�t get better.

If I don�t fuck him, I won�t have to deal with what if he wants to be more than friends, what if I want to be more than friends, how do we manage to be just friends and still fuck, what happens when we stop fucking. I just have to deal with wanting to fuck him, wondering what would happen if I did, everything I�m dealing with now, just multiplied.

I don�t want the first guy I ever have sex with to be some random hottie. The second guy, fine. The second guy can be a one night stand I meet at a club whose last name I never know. I give a damn. But when I think about my first time, I don�t want to go � What the hell was I thinking? How could I have fucked him?� and not have an answer I can live with. I what to be able to tell myself �I was thinking that I was 18, horny, and he was a good guy.�

I didn�t write everything I wanted to, but I�m tired, I have to work tomorrow, and I can�t think anymore. To Be Continued��