March 24, 2002 - 2:54 am

So. My sister got a new job, which she is happy about. Making window blinds. But it pays better then her old job, and since her old job was cleaning toilets at a public rest stop, it's a good thing. So, I wanted to go see her before she left the old job, cos the old job was convieniently on the way to our house in the country, so whenever we went up, I could stop and see her. But the new job is not all nice and convienient, so things are likely going to go back to how they used to be, where I got to see her maybe once every 6 months. Anyway, not the point of this entry.

The point of this entry. Her life choices. Yes, not really any of my business, except, I care about her, and want to see her happy. And she is an impulsive woman, who doesn't always consider the possibilities and ramifications of decisions. Big example, getting pregnant on her 16th birthday. Yeah, she's got great kids. But she could have gone to college, which she had a scholarship for, gotten a degree in art, which she is FABULOUS in, and had great kids LATER.

So, when she tells me she is planning to do this or that, I talk about it with her, point out possibile outcomes and alternate ways to go. And she has even admitted in the past that she does rush into things, and that I do point out things she hasn't thought of.

So, the current(ish) issue is her marriage. (She married the guy her got her pregnant on her 16th birthday.) And it's not an especially happy marriage, not from what she tells me anyway. He cheats on her, she cheats on him, they live with his mother, his mother hates her, all the reasons why getting married young is a bad idea.

And so, in the past year or year and a half, she has finally sort of worked up the nerve to leave him. First, summer of 01, she was going to leave him and go live with a guy, Eric. Only, Eric was a liar and not the most sane person on the planet. So, when she and Eric broke up, she stayed with her husband. Apparently, when she said she was leaving, he begged her to stay, and started making nice, so when Eric turned out to be icky, she said, "ok, I'll stay."

There is also the issue of being able to afford living on her own, and custody. But she has a decent job, and houseing where she lives isn't really all that expensive. And there is no real reason to think that she and James wouldn't end up with joint custody. She worries that he would get sole custody, but I really doubt it. Neither of them has perfect pasts, and both of them are as good parents as can be expected.

So, anyway, after Eric, she stayed. Then she met Mark. Same song, slightly different words. She was going to leave her husband, and get an apartment, and be with Mark. And she got the separation papers, and they are even signed. But now she and Mark broke up, and I talked to her tonight, and now she says she is staying with James.

But that's not really what is bugging me. Hell, that's pretty much par for the course. What's bugging me is, she says she talked to a "card reader" who says that James will be dead in 3 years, and his mother in 5. And she seems to be largely basing her decision to stay on that. She also said that things have been better lately, and that they are getting a house and putting it on some land across the road from his mother's. But she didn't mention these things until I had called her on basing her decision on what some fortune teller said.

Ok, yes, I know, "More thing in heaven and earth Horatio." But come on! Fortune telling is great and fun. But it is NOT something intelligent people base major life decisions on. CERTAINLY not a fortune teller you don't know, who has no proven track record, and seems to be pretty much saying what my sister wants to hear. Danielle wants to leave, but is worried about her kids, and money if she does. And the perfect solution would be if her husband and his mother died. Then, no more custody issues, and life insurance, and she gets the house and land etc. And this card reader just happens to see the exact thing that would solve all Danielle's problems happening. And she gets pissed at me for being sceptical. What's more, she got pissed at me before I had even really said anything.

All I had said was, "You are basing this decision on what a card reader said? I thought you were smarter then that. But it's your life." And I was done, not gonna say anything else. And she got pissed, and said she didn't want to hear any of my shit. So, then I got annoyed, and did tell her off a bit.

I mean, she has a proven track record of not thinking decisions through, and being impulsive. And I have NEVER told her how to live her life. All I have ever done, is offer advice, point out how things might turn out if she makes certain decisions. I say she should be cautious, she should make sure she plans things out, and really thinks about them. I tell her what I would do in her situation, but I have never said, "What you want to do is wrong." Even when I really and truly believed it in my heart. All I have ever done, is pointed out likely outcomes of decisions, and suggested better decisions that would likely lead to better outcomes.

Yeah, maybe I should just butt out, let her make her own decisions, and just hope they aren't mistakes. But I care about her. I don't want to see her make mistakes she could avoid. And it bugs me when she gets pissed when all I did was offer advice. If she doesn't want me to offer advice, then she should either stop making bad decisions, or stop telling me about them. I mean, I can only empathize and keep my mouth shut up to a certain point, and she passed that point years ago. I dunno. Any advice on what I should do? Let me know.

March 02, 2002 - 10:59 pm

I don't even know where to start. There are so many things to say. All you ever do is complain about her. Nothing she ever does is right. Nevermind all your screwups. Nevermind all the shit YOU are supposed to do, and don't. And you make the mistake of thinking that because I get upset with her, that I am on your side. You couldn't be more wrong. The happiest day of my life will be the day you get put in the ground. I've been dreaming of that day since I was 11. I hate you so much I don't even care anymore. I don't even get mad at you anymore, not for my sake. I've gone beyond that. I get mad for her sake. How dare you mistreat her the way you do? How dare she let you. I finally worked up the nerve today, and said to you, "If you are that unhappy, why are you still married." I didn't wait for an answer. I doubt you had one. Why can't you just go away? Yeah, I like the things you buy me. I like when anyone buys me things. It has nothing to do with you. If you weren't around, I would buy my own things, or do without them. I never NEED the things you buy me. The things I need, she would buy me. She says she loves you. How can she. Did I ever? I don't think so. Even when I was young, I don't think I did. And if I did, it's long gone. It was dead the first time I ever took a knife to my skin. The little bit of blood coming from my skin was the life blood of any love I might have ever had for you. All those years I hated myself, I really hated you. And I couldn't handle that. I wasn't supposed to hate you. But how could I not? How can I not now? I sit, and I wait for you to die. I know it won't be long. Half a decade, 8 years maybe. I doubt even that long. I guess cigarettes are good for something. But how much more damage will you do before then? I remember who she used to be. She wasn't pathetic like she is now. She used to be a person. It's you who has made her what she is now. And every time there is any glimmer of who she used to be, you squash it out. When I get upset with her, and you think I'm on your side, I am upset because I know how much better she could be. I love her, and it hurts me to see her letting you do this to her. Every nice or kind thing I have said to you or done for you, was for her. She doesn't like that I hate you. So, for her sake, I try to pretend it's not true. She has gotten so old. But when you are not around, I can sometimes see who she really is, who she could be if it weren't for you. Were you always like this, and I was just too young to know? Or did you change somewhere along the way? Do you really not know the scorn I feel for you? Have I really done that good a job of pretending? I don't see how I could have. I wonder how it would have been if you had gone away when I was a child? What would my life, her life, have been? Would she be happy? Would I have still made all the mistakes I did? Would I be making the mistakes I see myself making now? I try so hard to do things right, but I know I'm not. I know I'm doing so much wrong. I know I'm going to have to pay for it all later. I'm done now, I guess.