2/24/00 - 11:08 pm

Nothing special to talk about. I just heard this GREAT song called �Suicide� by someone named Bobby Gaylor. Never heard of him, but the song is awesome. It starts out with a bit about animals would kill themselves if they could, then goes into a bit about what does the singer care if you kill yourself, that�s one less person breathing the air, taking up space on the planet. It�s the end of the song that�s so great. He starts in with all the stuff that you will miss out on if you commit suicide. The line that I loved so much was �If you�re a guy, what about the feeling the first time you put your hand up a girl�s shirt. If you�re a girl, the feeling the first time you put your hand down a guy�s pants.� I�m sure I messed up the quote, but I intend to have the song on tape shortly.

I haven�t talked to Chris a lot lately, but it isn�t because I�ve been avoiding him. He�s been busy, but I have talked to him a little. A VERY little. Which is probably a good thing, because it means that every time I start to try to figure out the whole him and me thing, if there even is a him and me, I don�t talk to him on the phone that night and decide I can�t possibly be mean to such a nice guy. Since I haven�t been talking to him, my good sense is what convinced me not to be mean to him.

He starts spring break Feb 29th, but he and his family are going to Scotland for a week. He gets a month off of school, but he�s visiting colleges for most of that. He said he�s going to try to find time for a movie or something, which is nice, but I�m not terribly excited. Also, a friend of his killed herself a few weeks ago, so he�s been pretty depressed. I don�t think he�s suicidal, and he�s seeing a shrink, so hopefully if he does get to the point of no return, someone will notice.

Ok. Here�s what I�ve decided/figured out: a)New Year�s was a probably one time thing. b)The only reason anything ever happened at New Year�s was because I was so, um, politely, �aggressive�. c)I�m not going to be �aggressive� when he comes back. d)We�re both perfectly happy to pretend nothing ever happened between us. e)The best way to deal with the whole thing is to pretend nothing ever happened, and just not say anything to him about it. f)Obviously, if he doesn�t get the hint, and assumes I still want to talk, I�ll have to either tell him to forget it, or rather more likely, discuss it.

The thing is, I�d still love to play with him, but based on the playing we�ve already done, it�s not worth losing what may well be one of the best friendships I�ll ever have. There are other, as Sofija would say, boy toys out there, but nice guys that are also great friends, not so much. When he does come back for spring break, if he finds the time for a movie, I�m definitely giving him a huge hug. After the friend of his, Lindsay, killed herself, I just wanted to go up to New Jersey and hug him until he felt a little better. I mean, that is my standard operating procedure for friends in pain for any reason.

Honestly, I know myself better than this. All this not being aggressive sounds great on paper, or rather computer disc, but as soon as I�m alone with him, I�m going to get bored, or horny, or something, and it�s all gonna go out the window. But on the plus side, or the down side depending on how you look at it, my current little theory should survive spring break, for the simple fact that I don�t think I�m going to be alone with him for long, if at all. Well, just have to wait and see. I HATE that!