1/7/00 - 12:44 am

Well, Sofija had asked him if he was really ok with he and I playing, and he had said yes, as long as it didn�t go into Liz territory. Chris and I spent New Year�s at Jason�s dad�s house, with Jason, obviously. Actually, I need to back up a little further. When Chris came back for X-mas, it ended up being a week and a half after he got back before he, Sofija and I got a chance to get together. We ended up going to see �The Talented Mr. Ripley� with Cameron. Chris and Sofija both knew that I wanted to kiss Chris, but we all also knew that I would have to kiss him, since he�s so chicken. What I either didn�t realize or failed to admit to myself is that I�m pretty chicken too. After the movie, we all went to McDonald�s, but Cameron had to leave shortly after we got there. After we finished eating, we went back to the movie theater, because that�s where Sofija�s dad was picking her up at.

So while we were all (Sofija, Chris, and me) stand in front of the movie theater, Sofija was picking on me for being too chicken to kiss him, but when I asked him how he�d react if I did, he said �I don�t know� in a tone of voice I took to mean �Don�t�. So I didn�t. After Sofija�s dad picked her up, Chris and I walked to Metro together, since that�s how we were both getting home. We were inside the Friendship Heights station, waiting for the train (We were going the same direction on the red line, so we were taking the same train at first), and I said that I couldn�t believe how chicken I had been that evening, meaning I couldn�t believe I hadn�t kissed him. He said he was kind of surprised too, and that it just pointed out how different I really was from Liz, because she would have been all over him by that point.

I said �Well I want to be, but I just can�t quite work up the nerve, and besides, we�re in public. But I just know I�m going to deeply regret this.� He said something to the effect of �Yeah, as soon as I get off the train, you�re going to be kicking yourself.� I said �No, I�m already doing that.�, and that was pretty much the end of that subject for the time. Oh, except for me saying that Sofija was never going to believe me when I told her I hadn�t kissed him.

So the next time we all got together was at my house a few days later, Dec 28, for a sleepover. Around 9 p.m., maybe a bit earlier, maybe a bit later Chris went upstairs to get more soda, and I went up too, I forget if I had an actual reason or not. We were talking, and I said I couldn�t believe how chicken I was being. Chris asked why I was being so chicken, or something to that effect, and I said it was because I was worried that he would flip, and I didn�t want that. He said �You have Morals!�, which I firmly denied. We were gone for a few minutes, and Sofija called up the stairs �What are you two doing? I�m coming up there.� I said �We should hide, and then when she can�t find us, she�ll freak.� So we went in the den (Ricky was in DC working on the tub, and Mom had gone to get him, so we were parentless, but only for a short time), and closed the door so that Sofija couldn�t see us, but we had the light on.

I said again that I couldn�t believe how chicken I was being, and Chris said �It�s because you have morals.� I said �No I Don�t. It�s just that I don�t know how you�ll react if I kiss you. For that matter, I don�t know how I�ll react.� Just then I thought I heard Sofija, so I turned off the light to freak her out. Really, that�s the only reason I did it, at least as far as I know. So Chris and I were standing there in the dark, and I just could not work up the nerve to kiss him. He said something like �Where are you? I can�t see you.� I said �Really? I can see you just fine.� I stepped towards him, and waved my hand in front of my face. He said �You�re shorter than me?� in a surprised tone of voice. I said �Yeah. Normally I�m wearing heels, so you don�t notice.� I forget if he said something, or if I just blurted it out, but I said �So are you going to freak out if I kiss you?� He said �I don�t know.� and I just decided the hell with it.

It was a split second decision. A heartbeat beforehand, I would have sworn that I wasn�t going to, but I said �Oh, come here.�, put my right hand on his face, partly because I couldn�t really see where he was that well, partly because it seemed the thing to do, and I kissed him. It was a nice kiss, maybe a second or two, closed mouths, our noses might have bumped, but I didn�t notice. I think I might have said something along the lines of �There. That wasn�t so bad.�, but then I turned and went back downstairs very quickly.(I didn�t turn and run. No I didn�t. And if you actually believe that, it�s nice to know that you�re so trusting.)

I didn�t tell Sofija at first, so for a couple of hours, she was calling me chicken, and I was biting my tongue to keep from saying �Well actually��. But when we kicked Chris out of the room so we could change for bed, I told her. For some reason, I let her sleep next to him. I think it was because I thought that she would overstep the boundaries Chris had set up, and Chris would crawl into bed with me, or maybe my conscience decided it was better if I didn�t sleep next to him, I don�t know. Around 4 a.m., I was laying on the floor talking to Sofija, picking on Chris because he was tired and wanted to go to sleep, but couldn�t because she and I were talking.

Sofija said she would go to sleep if she could give him a hug, but I thought she was going to say if she could give him a kiss. Then I said I would go to sleep if I could give him a kiss, but I whispered so Sofija didn�t hear. She was embarrassed about something, so she had her face buried in her pillow. I thought that the way Chris and I were laying, I could lean in and kiss him, so I did, or rather I tried. I somehow missed. I�m not even quite sure how, I just know I did. I was about to die of embarrassment for about two seconds, but then Chris started teasing me, and I realized how absolutely ridiculous it was, and just died laughing.

Sofija had missed the whole thing, and when I told her, she was quite upset. For the rest of the night, or rather the rest of the morning, every time Sofija got embarrassed and buried her face in her pillow, I�d say to Chris, in a stage whisper �Since Sofija�s not looking�� and Sofija�s head would snap up out of her pillow. We went to sleep not all that long after wards. Maybe around 5.

We kept trying to make plans to get together, but someone was always too busy. Finally, on New Year�s Eve, we all decided to go to Jason�s. Only, at practically the last second, Sofija�s parents decided she was going to another friend�s house, because Sofija had made those plans first. Sofija was extremely disappointed, but she consoled herself with the fact that nothing was going to happen (between Chris and I). She was so certain of this because we were going to be at Jason�s, so it would be tacky for the two of us to fuck, and she thought Jason would be around to prevent anything else.

My father drove me to Jason�s, and I got there around 7 or so. Chris wasn�t there yet, and Jason�s dad wasn�t home. Jason was all excited because he had a bottle of sparkling cider. I couldn�t believe he didn�t have champagne. Chris showed up around 8:30, and after Jason and I finished eating the food we had ordered from Hamburger Hamlet, the three of us watched �The Full Monty�. It ended around 11:30, and we surfed around all the New Year�s specials.

I had said to Chris the night before that I was going to kiss him at midnight on New Year�s, and he hadn�t said ok, but he hadn�t said I couldn�t. At 11:55, I was opening the cider, and Jason said �What say, for the sake of New Year�s, you and I kiss at midnight.� The way he said it, I could tell he had been practicing in his head. I�ve done that enough myself to know what it sounds like, but the way he said it and what I think it signified are another entry. I replied �I�m kissing him.� meaning Chris. I don�t remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of �I don�t think that is such a good idea�, so I said to Jason �Ok, guess I�m kissing you.�

A few minutes later, a few seconds before midnight, the announcer on the TV said �It�s almost midnight. Get close to someone you love.� I took a step back, away from Jason and Chris. I thought it was pretty funny. At midnight, we all clinked glasses, then Jason and I kissed. It was not good. He leaned in for the kiss with his mouth open, and practically swallowed my face! He got saliva all over my chin! I stepped back very quickly, but I didn�t say anything because Chris was right there, and even I am not cruel enough to do that.

So after midnight we all sat down, and we were watching the specials, and we heard odd noises. I said it sounded like fireworks, so we all went out to look, and it was. We watched for a few minutes, but none of us had gotten our jackets, so Jason went back in to get his. I wasn�t even wearing my shoes, but I didn�t want to go in. I asked Chris why I hadn�t been allowed to kiss him at midnight, and he said he didn�t know. Then I asked well what if I kissed him anyway, and he said I don�t know, in a tone of voice I took to mean don�t, so I didn�t.

Chris went to the door, but Jason wouldn�t let him in. I got cold, and when I tried to go in, Jason was trying to just let me in, and not let Chris in. It wasn�t working, Chris was getting inside, so I pushed him out. I went downstairs, got my shoes and jacket, and went to go back outside. Chris was really upset, so I was going to let him in, but Jason had taken the key. I went to get it, but I ended up just going back out to watch the fireworks. Chris and I were standing in the driveway watching the fireworks, and I said wouldn�t it be funny if Jason saw us kissing, especially if he freaked out. Chris said yeah, it would be. The only problem was making sure that Jason saw us, but there wasn�t any real way to be sure he saw us.

When the fireworks were over, Chris and I went to go back inside the house. Jason tried to do some cute thing to get Chris away from the door so that I could come in and we could leave Chris locked out, but I was thinking about if I was going to kiss Chris anyway, so I didn�t notice Jason�s cute little plan. When I did, Chris had already figured it out, and I didn�t feel like locking Chris out again, it had gotten boring. Chris still didn�t trust us, so he insisted on going in first.

We all went in, and went back downstairs. Not that long after, Jason went upstairs for some reason, and Chris was standing in the middle of the room. I stood up, and walked over and stood about a foot away from him. Close, but not invading personal space close. I said �So am I absolutely not allowed to kiss you?� He said �I don�t know.� (He says that a lot.) I gave him a look that very clearly said �You know I�m going to unless you flat out say don�t�. He didn�t say anything, and gave no indication of any sort that I shouldn�t, so I put my hand on his face, and at the same time said �Come here� in my best �Must I Do Everything� voice.

I leaned in, and used my hand on his face to make sure there wouldn�t be any bumped noses, and we kissed. It was very nice, and I consider that my New Year�s kiss, because until Jason changes his mind, we�re purely platonic, and the kiss with Jason wasn�t very good, as I mentioned. Completely off the subject, even if Jason does decide he wants to be more, I don�t know if I do anymore. I�ll explain after I finish telling what happened with Chris.

So I kissed Chris, then I sat back down. I know I looked smug. Cat with cream on its chin and canary feathers between its teeth. I don�t remember if Jason came back and then Chris left, or if Chris went somewhere and then Jason came back. It doesn�t matter. So we all stayed up watching TV, New Year�s specials, stupid late night shows, stuff like that. The show �Blind Date� (where they set two people up on a blind date, and film the whole thing) came on. The guy on the show was being really shy, and even though the girl was practically screaming �Kiss me!�, he wouldn�t. Chris said that he acts exactly like that, completely chicken, and we all agreed with him, although Jason didn�t understand the background for the comment.

I wrapped up in a black fuzzy blanket because it was cold, then I got tired, so I curled up in the easy chair, and put a pillow behind my head. I wasn�t asleep, but I was resting, so I wasn�t participating in Jason and Chris�s discussion. Around 2:30 a.m., Jason went upstairs to go to sleep, but Chris wanted to stay up to watch �A Fish Called Wanda� on TBS at 2:45, and I wasn�t ready to go to sleep, so I stayed up too. Chris had been sitting on the floor, I don�t know why, it is just something he does. I said that since Jason had gone upstairs, why didn�t he sit on the loveseat. He did, and we watched TV for a few minutes.

I said �That guy really was you.� He said he knew. I told him he should stop being so chicken, because not every girl is going to be as pushy as me. The three of us had been having a pillow fight earlier, and Chris was sitting on one of the pillowcases, sans pillow. He asked me what it was, and I told him. Then I said that the pillow it went to was right over there, and I got up to get it. He said �You don�t have to do that.�, and I said �It�s ok, it gives me an excuse to sit back down next to you. Scoot over.� He did, and I sat down next to him, and grabbed the blanket and wrapped back up.

We watched the movie for a few minutes, then I said something along the lines of �You�re never going to get over being chicken if you don�t at least try.� I looked over at him, and he was looking back, so our faces were maybe 8 inches apart, but he didn�t do anything. I said �You know, me always having to kiss you is getting to be bad for my self esteem.� I looked over at him again, and when he still didn�t do anything, I said he was hopeless.

We went back to watching the movie, and when a scene came on with two people kissing, I said �That looks like a good idea.� He still didn�t do anything, and I said �You really are hopeless!� I asked �Is there a reason why you haven�t kissed me?� He said there wasn�t, not really. It wasn�t even that he was debating, it was just that� After thinking about it for a moment, I said �If it�s that you don�t want to kiss me, could you say so, so that I can stop making an idiot out of myself?� He said that wasn�t it, really. I asked �So should I just ignore your hesitation and do what I want to?� I don�t remember if he said �I don�t know.�, or if he just kind of whined.

After a few minutes I said �Well, since I�m busy proving to myself that I�m not chicken��, and I leaned over and kissed him. I put my hand on his leg, and he put his hand over mine. We kissed for a few minutes, tongues going in and out of each other�s mouths, then I stopped and leaned back a little. He asked �Do you want to stop?�, and I said �No, I just wanted to make sure you didn�t want to.� He didn�t, so we went back to kissing. I realized that he still had his jacket on, (because it was cold in the basement), and I asked if he was going to take it off. He asked wouldn�t he get cold, and I said so we cuddle up under the blanket, that�s the idea. We both sat back a little, and he took his jacket off. I told him I�d have done it for him, but I wasn�t sure if it had buttons or a zipper.

We had been kissing again for a while, and I ran my hand up his leg to see if he had a hard-on. He did, and I left my hand on his crotch. At one point, I�m not quite sure when, but pretty early on, I said �We should figure out when we�re going to stop.� Then we kissed again, and I said �Later.� He laughed, and we kissed some more. I asked �Anything you particularly want me to do?� Chris said �I dunno.� He put his hand under my shirt, on my breast. He didn�t really know what he was doing, but it was fun anyway. I was uncomfortable, (the position I was sitting in, not what he was doing), so I moved, and I guess he thought I wanted his hand gone, because he moved it. After a minute, I put it back on my boob, but over my shirt, and said �I think you were here.�

My hand was on his fly, and I unbuckled his belt. He asked if I needed help, and I said �I got it.� I undid the button, and when I was unzipping it, the zipper was sort of stuck, but I got it. I slid my hand down under his boxers, and wrapped my hand around his dick. I don�t remember if he kept his hand on mine or not. We were like that for a while, kissing, seriously sucking face, my hand down his pants, his up my shirt, then he said �You want to do like in your story?� I thought about it for all of a nanosecond, then said �Yeah, okay.�

We pushed his pants and boxers out of the way, I wrapped my hand around the base of his cock, and I went down on him. I mostly just sucked his head, I only took his dick all the way in my mouth a few times. After a few minutes he said �This doesn�t seem to be working.� I looked up, and said �So you want me to stop?� He said no, so I resumed what I had been doing.

(I�ll be the first to admit I didn�t know what the hell I was doing, and for some reason I have yet to fathom, I didn�t even try to do well. I mean, we know I can write it really well, so it stands to reason that if I at least tried, I could at least do it good enough, if not pretty damn well. But I really didn�t even try, and that�s currently bugging the hell out of me. Actually, it isn�t that I didn�t try that�s bothering me. It�s that I don�t know why I didn�t try. It wasn�t like it was something I didn�t want to be doing. I definitely wanted to be doing exactly what I was doing. If anything, I wanted to be doing more than I was doing.)

So I was still going down on him, and he had his hands in my hair. It was pretty funny. My hair would fall in my face, and get in my mouth. I�d push it back up, he�d run his hands through it, and it would fall right back down. So after he said it didn�t seem to be working, I kinda tried to do it right, but he kept moving his hips at exactly the wrong moment, and almost gagging me, so when he said again that it didn�t seem to be working, I just sat up.

He said �I don�t know why it isn�t working.�, in a tone of voice that I really can�t explain. By that point, I didn�t really care, but I wasn�t going to tell him that, and I�m not quite sure if I had told myself yet. I asked �Well, what do you do at school?�, meaning when you�re jerking off. He said something along the lines of �Well, I think about doing things.�, and I said �So think now.� He said �But there�s someone actually doing it to me. I shouldn�t have to think.� (I don�t think he meant it as an insult, and it only just occurred to me that I could take it as one. I�m not going to, but I could.)

He kind of shook his dick, and said �Why won�t you work?!� I said �Don�t worry about it. Don�t always have to. . . you know.� I was looking at him, and I think I sort of leaned towards him, but I didn�t actually lean in and kiss him, and for a millisecond, I thought he wasn�t going to kiss me, for whatever reason. I don�t think I thought it because of his body language or anything, I think it was just some random little thought that crossed my mind, but he kissed me and it disappeared. My hand was still in his lap, and I brushed my fingers along his cock, then said �I guess you should probably pull your pants back up.� He stood up, and pulled them up, and did the fly up. When he started to buckle his belt, I said �I didn�t say do them all the way back up.�, and sort of pulled him back down on the couch.

We were making out again, kissing and stuff, and after a few minutes, I undid his fly again, but I only played with him a little. Mostly I just ran my hand across his stomach just below his waistband. (I don�t know why, it was just a thing I was doing.) I think he might have had his hand down there though. A little later, he whispered �Maybe if you bite me.�, and Oh My God! I mean you know that little fantasy of mine! Granted, that�s not actually all that close to the fantasy, but it�s entirely good enough! Especially to start with! But I didn�t scream �Oh, goody!�, or anything. I just very calmly whispered �Where?�

He said �I don�t know.�, so I figured shoulder is fairly classic, easier then neck, but when I tried to, he wouldn�t stop kissing me, so finally I just bit his lower lip. Our bodies were pressed together pretty tightly, and I felt him shudder along the entire length of his body. Apparently he really likes being bitten, which I�ll have to keep in mind, since it fits in so well with what I like to do.

For a while we were kissing, feeling each other up, tongues playing, lots of fun. (Although, actually, I was horny, but, I wasn�t. In my mind I was really into it, but my body just wasn�t. I mean, I could have fucked him with no problem, I was really wet, but I didn�t feel it, you know? I didn�t have that tension, that desperate wanting, like I want a guy inside me more then I want to be breathing. That wasn�t there.) Anyway, we were making out, and the whole time we�d been doing that thing where you stop kissing, and look at each other for a second, then go back to kissing. One of the times we did that, Chris said �I�m surprised you haven�t gone after my ear yet.�

The way we were sitting, I�d pretty much have had to bury my face in the back of the couch to do that. I said �Well, we�re kind of in an awkward position for that.�, but he turned his head, so I ran my tongue along the rim of his ear. I whispered, very quietly since I was right next to his ear, �You like that?� He said yeah. I kept at it for a couple ten seconds, and just as I was about to move back to his lips, he said �I�m so close.� I asked �You want me to go down on you again?� He said yeah, and I was going to, really, but I stopped to kiss him, and got distracted.

After a minute I said �You know, I think it�s your turn to do stuff. Be more comfortable if we lay down.� Chris asked �Like what?� All I could think of to say was �Use your imagination.� After a few minutes, I remembered that he�s not terribly imaginative, so I took his hand and put it under my shirt on my breast. Not to be mean, but he didn�t do anything with his hand, he just left it there! I even put my hand his to give him a hint what to do, but either he ignored it, or he missed it, and knowing him it�s the latter.

We made out laying down for a while, which was fun since our hips were against each other, but he was wearing jeans and boxers, and I was wearing thick leggings, so I couldn�t feel as much as I�d have liked to. At one point he bit my lip, not hard at first, but slowly increasing the pressure, until it actually hurt. I pulled away, and I didn�t actually say ouch, but I made an ouch noise, and he said sorry. (My lip was bruised the next day.)

After a while, Chris said he was getting tired, and when we looked at the clock, it had been an hour and change, so we kind of stopped. We stayed up until the movie ended, then we went up and went to bed. (Separately, darn it.) I changed into the shirt I was going to sleep in, then went in and sat down next to Chris in the living room. We talked for a couple minutes. I warned him that if he started acting like an asshole, I was going to be mad. I said a couple of random teasing things, then went to bed.

The next afternoon, Jason Chris and I were in the basement waiting for Chris�s parent�s to come get him, and I realized that if Chris couldn�t do anything before he left, that could be the last time I saw him until summer. I said as much, and Chris said yeah, it might be. The next commercial break, I got up and whispered in his ear �If this is the last time I�m going to see you for five months, I want to say goodbye right.� I stepped behind this door, so that Jason sitting on the couch couldn�t see me, but Chris could. Chris didn�t come over, so I did the little come here motion and he stepped over. I pulled him into the other room, and went to kiss him, but I don�t know what he thought I was doing, because he didn�t move his head so that I could.

Jason suddenly said �What are the two of you doing? Not in my house!� I stepped back through the door, and said �I�m just kissing him. Sit back down.� And Jason did. I stepped back into the other room, and put my hand on the side of Chris�s face, and kissed him. Then I said �Now that�s a proper goodbye.�, and went and sat back down. He left a little while after, and we never did get together again.