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December 30, 2004 - 1:07 pm

Veins

The veins in my right breast are really dark and thick and prominant and close to the skin. I've never noticed that before. Seems like something I would have noticed, given all the time I spend half naked. Odd.

Mood=
Voices in my head are singing=
Current Obsession=
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December 27, 2004 - 10:25 am

Did I mention

And did I mention I have to be awake for work in 6 hours, I haven't slept, I can't call off because I've already called off 3 shifts because of headaches, and calling off more than 3 shifts is grounds to be fired? Did I mention all that? And there's a freaking plumber here, making noise, and I'm not tired! What am I supposed to learn from this? I'm guessing, PLAN ahead! *smile*

Mood=
Voices in my head are singing=
Current Obsession=
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December 27, 2004 - 9:53 am

Religion

If god is perfect, then wouldn't god want god's believers to question god, so the believers could discover for themselves god's perfection? What kind of god says don't question me? Why wouldn't a perfect all knowing god want to be questioned? If you have answers, then you don't have a problem with being questioned. The only reason to have a problem with being questioned is not having answers. God has the answers, because god is perfect. God often doesn't give us the answers, because we're supposed to find them for ourselves. But the answers are there, and you can't find an answer until you ask the question, so god wants us to question, because god wants us to find the answers, to find out things, to learn. God knows we can do it, we can think, we can ask the questions, find the answers, we can learn, we can grow.
God did not create the world and us so that we would keep screwing up and god would have to keep forgiving us. God created the world so we could learn and grow and become better. And yeah, part of learning is making mistakes, but those mistakes are just a stepping stone to the end result of growth. You make mistakes, you learn from them, you become a better person. You don't keep making the same mistakes over and over and over with nothing to learn from them except that you'll never be able to not make the same mistake. What good does that do? Why would god set it up like that? God wouldn't, so obviously god didn't.
I'll reiterate the rest of my debate with Ryan later, cos the rest was the same points I've made a million times before re: the fallacies and contradictions in the bible.

Mood= questioning
Voices in my head are singing=
Current Obsession= truth
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December 27, 2004 - 7:49 am

*chuckle*

Amusing IM exerpt. Ryan does know me fairly well. *grin*
(07:42:28) Ryan: [email protected]
(07:42:31) Ryan: hrm, wrong email
(07:43:00) Hel: *blinks*
(07:43:06) Hel: yeah
(07:43:18) Ryan: *coughonedaycough*
(07:43:39) Hel: *coughonlyafterIgetalobotomycough*
(07:43:53) Ryan: *gets out his scalpel*
(07:44:08) Ryan: *embraces you* just follow me into this bedroom here honey ;) :D
(07:44:15) Hel: LMAO
(07:44:33) Hel: kinky, scalpels in the bedroom
(07:44:34) Ryan: you took that dirty-like didnt you
(07:44:37) Hel: LMAO
(07:44:39) Ryan: thought so

Mood=
Voices in my head are singing=
Current Obsession=
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December 27, 2004 - 1:55 am

Knots

Google rocks. I'd forgotten how to tie a noose, but there are a nearly infinite number of illustrated tutorials. Google rocks.

Mood= amused
Voices in my head are singing=
Current Obsession=
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December 13, 2004 - 1:58 am

what a girl wants

Part of me doesn't WANT consent. Part of me just wants to take. Wants true fear, screams, torn skin & blood, real terror, no chance of safety or escape. Actually, all of me wants that. But part of me says no. Says that's wrong, truly wrong. Says you don't do that to another person, ever. But how long can you cage the dark parts of yourself? No prison is inescapable, none. There's always a way out, especially from the walls we build for ourselves.
So anyway, I totally love my PDA, cos I've been writing these entries on it in the middle of the night, and then posting them the next morning. In the past, when there was stuff I wanted to write in the middle of the night, it never got written, cos it was always way too much hassle to get up and go to the computer and write. But it's no hassle at all to just roll over and grab my PDA and write.

Mood=
Voices in my head are singing=
Current Obsession=
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December 12, 2004 - 4:56 am

holding on

I hold onto myself so tightly. I can't ever truly let myself go, give up control, because there's a good chance that I would do something I couldn't live with. I hold onto my self control because my anger is this deep all consuming pit. I want to hurt people, make them scream, cry, beg, bleed. But to do that without consent...I couldn't live with being that kind of person, only if I'm far enough gone to do that, then what if I'm so far gone I've lost my sense of right and wrong, and don't care if they don't consent? And I can't even hurt people with their consent, because I know how strong the temptation to ignore a safe word and just do what I wanted to do would be. So I can't ever let go, but I can't keep living like this, locking away so much of who I am. It affects everything in/of/about/around me!

Mood= restrained
Voices in my head are singing=
Current Obsession=
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